Today a good friend and I took a walk, it felt like Spring, our kids were feeling it too – running, skipping, jumping in melted snow puddles totally unencumbered with the usual winter uniform of snow pants, hats and mittens.
It was so leisurely that we had an extra long time to talk. Also she’s one of those good friends that you can just talk about anything with, from coffee to world peace, manicures to sleep schedules… the two of us have a lot of ground to cover – always. So today we were talking about relationships and at one point she referenced the “10 STUPID THINGS WOMEN DO TO MESS UP THEIR LIVES” By Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Well, I had never heard of this before so you know what I had to do… IMMEDIATELY (and by immediately I mean after I fed, bathed, read books, and sang songs then stared at my daughter till she fell asleep)…. I had to google it…
And drum roll please here is the list:
The Ten Stupid Things Are:
- Stupid Attachment – Looking to the context of a man to find and define yourself
- Stupid Courtship – Becoming a beggar, not a chooser, in the dating ritual because you are desperate.
- Stupid Devotion – Finding yourself driven to love, and suffer, and succor (or is that “sucker”?) in vain.
- Stupid Passion – Having sex too soon and setting yourself up to be burned
- Stupid Cohabitation – Lying to yourself and living with him because you hope he’ll want you
- Stupid Expectations – Using marriage as a quick fix for low or no self-esteem
- Stupid Conception – Using biology misguidedly as a jump-start for love, personal growth, and commitment
- Stupid Subjugation – Allowing you and your children to be held hostage by your own obsessive need for security and attachment
- Stupid Helplessness – Being too scared and insecure to deal with your rage and turning it into wimpyness instead.
- Stupid Forgiving – Not knowing when to break off a no-win relationship or how to not get involved in the first place.
After reading and re-reading … (I am not going to lie, this list seemed almost “dated” to me)… I had to make sure I was really reading it all right. Then I stopped and thought of each one “thing” separately. Then, I remembered that in fact I had been out of the dating game for so long… that this all seemed so foreign to me because it was ages ago that I had to think or worry about any of this.
Then I remembered in my dating days that I was certainly guilty of “things 1, 2 and 3…. and because I am a lady I won’t comment on “thing 4” but…. it’s possible I was guilty of that too.
So I began to wonder if I had a good friend back out in the dating game what would I tell her. There was a reason I was reading this and that this came up in conversation today, I must have to share this with someone. So here it is… if you are that friend that needs to be reminded… you need to take care of YOU.
You are worthy of a happy life, good things, sunshine on all days.
And I thought Dr. Laura’s “things” could use some sprucing up. So here are MY crib notes to my peeps who need a pep talk:
- Don’t let a relationship define you or provide you with context of who you are. YOU DO YOU, and the rest will happen.
- DO NOT put up with someone who does not respect your time, your values, your worth. You are setting a precedent, how you let someone treat in the early stages of a relationship is how they always will.
- Devote yourself to yourself and your loved ones, family and friends, those that are worthy of your devotion
- Don’t have sex on the first date, the second or the third… give it a chance, leave some mystery and for the love of god have some self respect. If you don’t respect yourself your new friend won’t either.
- Ummmm don’t move in without a real commitment – the old saying is true. “Why buy the cow”…. Well you know the rest.
- DO NOT. I repeat DO NOT get married with the belief that things will change. THEY DO NOT CHANGE.
- Try not to have kids to make things better. Kids don’t fix marriages. They add pressures that test marriages and only the strong survive.
- Don’t smother your kids because you are lonely or are lacking in your personal life.
- If you have been wronged, take care of yourself and change your life… only YOU can do that. Don’t crawl under a rock, use the rock as a stepping stone to better things.
- Walk away. Like Marie Kondo says (or my friend who I walked with today tells me she says) if it doesn’t bring you joy – throw it away. I think that can be used with articles of clothing and relationships.
Its strange this all came up in conversation today. Two married gals with kids, happy and in a good place. The truth is though not everyone is lucky enough to be in a good place all the time. Today someone may need to read this, someone may be dealing with something no one knows about. So if that someone is you, take heart, re-read Dr. Laura (or my) 10 “stupid things” and give yourself a hug. I promise if you take care of you…. your mind, your heart, your loved ones that LOVE YOU. Everything else will fall into place.
PS go ahead tomorrow and send yourself some flowers too… you deserve them.